Keggers.

Individual beers come in four popular sizes: The 355ml can/bottle, the 710ml tall boy, the 40 oz, and the keg. And while everyone likes being able to partake in their own drinks of choice at parties, sometimes it’s important to step up to the plate and empty a 160lb steel drum of beer.

Cleanliness.

It doesn’t matter where you’re from, what your upbringing was like, or the shape your house is in; College will redefine your definition of the word “clean.”

Make no mistake, by the end of your first year you will no longer cringe at the site of urine sprayed all over a bathroom stall, shrug to the idea of eating from dirty dishes, and simply rolls your eyes and laugh at puke in stairwells, on carpet, and well, just about everywhere else. Hell, you may even partake in some of these offending activities before your time in school is up! Allow me to elaborate…

Work in the summer, not during school.

Let’s not kid ourselves; Working sucks! There’s nothing worse than spending a good chunk of your time at a job you hate making money for a boss who doesn’t really care about you.

Well, except if you have to do it in the midst a pile of assignments, exams, and essays while trying to maintain a social life.

Relationships.

Since I’m a guy, I’m going to write this article from my perspective. Feel free to replace “she” or “her” or however else I refer to females with whatever you’d like (I’m much too lazy to do it for you).

So you’ve left your high school of roughly 1500 people and are now at a college campus of over 15,000 people. One of the first thoughts going through your head is “There are girls everywhere!” Yes, it’s an exhilarating feeling full of wonder and promise (unless you go to a school full of uglies like I do). If you’re the type of person who is only interested in finding that one special someone, there’s a good chance your heart is dancing in your chest at the possibility of meeting your future spouse. Or perhaps you’re only interested in one night stands, in which case you’re looking forward to the parties starting. Or maybe you’re a really big nerd, in which case you’re probably scared out of your mind.

Drinking.

Ah yes, alcohol. The cornerstone of college. The pinnacle of parties. The world’s social lubricant. The…

Well, you get the point. Never has a college-related movie been made without booze playing a leading role alongside whatever forgettable young actors are popular at the time. And when was the last time you heard a good story that didn’t involve it? Sure, it’s possible to make it through school without a drop of alcohol, but why would you want that?

Before I go any further, I should probably say something about consuming responsibly and what-not, but as long as you aren’t drinking to the point of blacking out on a regular basis, you should be fine. Oh, and don’t drink and drive. With that out of the way, I’ll get into some of the intricacies of college drinking.

Roommates Pt. 3

Before continuing, be sure to check out part one and part two of this epic trilogy.

Third Year – First and Second Semester: The Muscle

I had originally applied to live with one of my friends this year, but for whatever reason it didn’t pan out, and thus the basis for the third part of this series was born.

Move-in day this year was different from second year because, well, my roommate was actually here and there were no signs of a bomb going off in the room (again, see part one). My new roommate was sitting at his desk with his door open and promptly introduced himself. He was sporting a bright golf shirt with a popped collar and arms that could barely fit through the sleeves (I think he’s loosely based on the “My New Haircut” character). My first thought was “Why has the school given me a gay bodyguard? Am I in danger?” I put these thought out of my mind while I finished moving my stuff in and setting up my room, but when I went to the kitchen to put some food away that I had brought, I couldn’t help but notice the numerous tubs, bottles, and containers of all sorts of intense and powerful-looking supplements and protein.

Roommates Pt. 2

If you haven’t read the first part of this trilogy, I encourage you read it before continuing. Otherwise, read on!

Second Year – Second Semester: The Stoner

Alright, this guy really wasn’t that bad. I only have a few stories about him, so here it goes.

As you’ve probably guessed, he was a huge pothead. I never had a problem with that as long as he kept his door closed when he smoked so the whole place wouldn’t stink. He was always cool with it and there weren’t any problems…

Until he smashed his bong in the washroom.

I assume he was trying to clean out the almost-black water when I heard a crash followed by “Aww fuck!” It didn’t take long for the smell of the week-old bong water to engulf the entire place and it remained long after he cleaned it up. The worst wasn’t over yet.
Due to the genius design of the washroom, its concrete floor absorbed a good amount of the water ensuring that the washroom would stink for two weeks! Turning on the fan did nothing and scrubbing the floor was ineffective. All we could do was wait for the stench to go away on its own.

The second issue I had involved a poster I had up in the kitchen area of David Hasselhoff. I had bought it at the beginning of first semester with my other roommate because it was deemed hilarious enough to go on the wall. Well, the new roommate didn’t like it so much. One day he came into my room and asked me about it.

Roommates Pt. 1

One of the first issues you’ll face when going away to college is where you’re going to live. You typically have two choices: The dorms or in a cheap house or apartment. If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to get a single dorm room, or if you’re financially well-off enough, your own house/apartment (although the cost of the two are almost equivalent to each other). However, in most cases you’ll be living with someone else. With that in mind, let me say:

AVOID RANDOM ROOMMATES AT ALL COSTS!!!

If you take no other information from this entire blog, take this. As my third year of college is coming to an end, I’ve lived with three people I didn’t know in advance and it’s been anywhere from bad to absolutely fucking terrible each time. I had a single dorm room (the size of a closet) in my first year and was forced to share washrooms with my entire floor. At first, this may seem terrible; Sharing three washrooms with about 70 people and living in a pantry, but I ended up having the most fun of my entire life. Everyone’s doors were always open and the majority of people on the floor were friends with one another, but when second year came it was time to upgrade to the “suites” (at a cost of over $1000 more). The benefit of the suites is that the size of your bedroom is increased by about 30%, you get a double bed instead of a single, there’s a kitchenette (with full size fridge, sink, and microwave), and there is a washroom with a shower. All of this is shared between two people. This probably doesn’t seem too bad; Until you learn about the roommates I’ve had…

Scout your campus in advance!

When applying to college, I (like most people) applied to the schools that I had heard were the best for the field I was planning to study. After all, this seemed like a fairly fool-proof plan that in theory, couldn’t be beat. How wrong I was…

Toronto broke its record for most gun-related homicides in a year in 2005… Before the end of the summer. Yes, it was indeed a dangerous time to live around the city, and guess who was starting his first year at the college located nearest to it all.

A good portion of my friends have been mugged since first year, there’s weekly street shootings, someone was pistol-whipped for their laptop inside the school, and I fell asleep each night to the sound of gunshots ringing throughout the neighborhood. Not to mention the bank robbery that I watched unfold not only on TV, but through my bedroom window. In fact, I’m fairly certain that at least 20% of the people in my school aren’t even supposed to be there! I think it’s just a central hub for gangs to get together, play dominoes, and compare how far down their pants can sag.

Luckily, my life has thus far been spared. My 5′10″/150lb frame is clearly too intimidating for anyone to mess with. Let’s hope it stays this way.

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Your school is a business.

College is a lot different from high school – mainly in the financial department. Say goodbye to ten months of free schooling and hello to eight months of schooling with a price tag in the thousands. Yes, gone are the days of a broad education that covers multiple subjects and topics, now you’ve gotta’ pick one thing and stick with it, so let’s hope you get it right the first time.

You see, college is a business no different from any other one:

• It charges you money to access its services.
• It has multiple franchises (read: campuses).
• It has a CEO-type figure (read: dean).
• There are multiple managers (read: teachers).
• You are required to keep these people happy, or they’ll kick you out.
• They even manage to give value packages in the same way a fast food restaurant might!