Roommates Pt. 3

Before continuing, be sure to check out part one and part two of this epic trilogy.

Third Year – First and Second Semester: The Muscle

I had originally applied to live with one of my friends this year, but for whatever reason it didn’t pan out, and thus the basis for the third part of this series was born.

Move-in day this year was different from second year because, well, my roommate was actually here and there were no signs of a bomb going off in the room (again, see part one). My new roommate was sitting at his desk with his door open and promptly introduced himself. He was sporting a bright golf shirt with a popped collar and arms that could barely fit through the sleeves (I think he’s loosely based on the “My New Haircut” character). My first thought was “Why has the school given me a gay bodyguard? Am I in danger?” I put these thought out of my mind while I finished moving my stuff in and setting up my room, but when I went to the kitchen to put some food away that I had brought, I couldn’t help but notice the numerous tubs, bottles, and containers of all sorts of intense and powerful-looking supplements and protein.

Once I finished unpacking, he came into my room to chat. We discussed our programs, hometowns, interests, and what ever other introductory topics we could think of. He seemed like a cool guy and I had hope for a much better year than the previous one, and for the first little while, it really wasn’t that bad at all.

The majority of first semester was okay. Yes, there were times when his penchant for trance/dance/annoying thumping bass-driven music got annoying. And of course there were the times when his supplements combined with two hours per night at the gym made for countless comments about all the “broads” he wanted to “nail” (which was basically all of them). Oh yeah, and there’s also the things he does to assert his dominance over inanimate objects. He basically slams everything in sight (doors, the toilet seat, his protein tubs onto the table, etc.). I’ve often thought about what goes through his head afterward, and figure it’s something like “Yeah, fuck you door. I fuckin’ showed you!”

And he never washes his hands after going to the washroom (hence why I refuse to share any finger-foods with him).

All of that started first semester and has carried over to this semester. However, some new traits have also developed. The main one being his never-ending quest to ensure that I don’t get a full night’s sleep. I would estimate that I’ve woken up on my own as opposed to by him less than ten times this semester (since the beginning of January).

There are a few reasons for this. We come from two different schools of thought when it comes to personal appearance for class. He’ll spend close to an hour getting ready for class each day, whereas if I have a class that starts before 10:00am, there is no way I’m putting in any more effort than brushing my teeth. Unfortunately, his morning routine consists of two things I’ve grown to despise:

1. The Protein Shakes: Despite his large arms, he can’t just shake the protein powder and milk into a drinkable substance; He needs to use a blender that’s 20 feet from my bed at 8:00am each day.

2. The Axe Body Spray: He uses so much Axe spray each morning, that if the blender didn’t wake me up, the smell of the spray will. It goes from the washroom, through the kitchen, under my closed bedroom door, and right into my face. I can almost picture it creeping up to me like CO a carbon monoxide PSA.

Now perhaps I’m being unfair. Maybe waking up at 8:00am isn’t such a bad thing; The vast majority of people with full time jobs do it, but here’s the thing: This is college! When you’re blessed with a class schedule that requires you to wake up before noon only two days a week, you’ve gotta’ take advantage of it and appreciate it, because it’s probably not going to last forever (but that’s a topic for another post).

By now you should realize why random roommates are to be avoided at all costs. If you must share a room with someone, do your absolute best to share it with a friend.

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